Helping a friend or colleague with breast cancer

Do you have a friend or colleague who has been diagnosed with breast cancer? Are you unsure how this may affect your relationship or what kind of support you can offer?

To help you, we have compiled this page of useful tips and strategies from people who have experienced breast cancer. Of course, not every individual wants the same type of support. Wherever possible, try to take your lead from your friend. Listen for cues and don’t be afraid to ask what they need or to make a suggestion.

Emotional help

Offering your friend or colleague emotional help during their breast cancer journey can be very powerful. Simply taking the time to check in with them and ask how they are getting on can be rewarding for the both of you. Here are a few tips in case you’re not sure where to start.

• Be available to listen. Let your friend know that you’re available to come over when needed. Cry, laugh and listen. Sometimes there is no need for words.
• Let them know if you don’t mind taking a call from her in the middle of the night. Often people with breast cancer lie awake at night worrying. Having someone on the other end of the phone can be very comforting.
• Just be yourself. You don’t need to worry about not knowing what to say.
• Let them know you care. Many people find it difficult to ask for help. Cooking a homemade meal or offering to do the grocery shopping can go a long way.
• Phone them, but be respectful of their needs. Try to remember that at times even talking may be tiring. Try not to call at meal times or too early or late in the day. You might even want to ask if she is being inundated with calls from other people, and when a good time to call might be.
• Visit, but phone first to check it’s okay. Don’t visit with sick or noisy children, or if you’re sick yourself.

Practical help

For many people with breast cancer, receiving practical help with things such as meals, shopping and housework can be enormously helpful. Here are a few ideas of what you might be able to do to help your friend or colleague:

• Prepare home-cooked meals, soups, biscuits and cakes that can be frozen and used when needed.
• Help with housework, gardening or looking after pets. If your friend has had surgery, they will find it difficult to hang out washing, vacuum or iron for several weeks after surgery. 
• Take their shopping and carry packages, or take a list and do it for them.
• Offer to drive them to medical treatments or appointments. You might even be able to work out a roster of family and friends to cover each visit.
• Ask what else they would like you to do and listen for clues.

Special considerations for the workplace

Breast cancer diagnosis and treatment affects everyone differently. How your colleague is dealing with their diagnosis is a personal thing, although they are probably experiencing physical and emotional distress on some level.

The best way to help will depend on the type of work your colleague does, the kind of treatment they are having and whether or not they need or want to work.

Some people return to work as quickly as possible because they crave the normality and companionship that work offers. Others need time away from work to deal with breast cancer and its treatment. If you’re not sure what will help your colleague, you may find the following suggestions useful:

• If you’re their manager, ask whether they want others to know about their diagnosis and whether they'd like you to break the news for her. Establish sick leave entitlements and discuss other financial options if possible and appropriate. Be flexible with time off for doctor’s appointments, tests and treatment.
• Before they return to work, discuss any limitations that may apply. Be aware that how they feel may change from day-to-day or week-to-week. Arrange for someone to help out if the workload gets to be too much.
• If you’re a colleague, treat them normally but let them know you understand they may be working in challenging circumstances. Don’t be afraid to ask how they're feeling and give them the opportunity to talk if they want to.
• Remember to ask them to social functions even if they're not at work. They may not be able to attend but will still feel part of the team.

Things that won’t help

It’s normal to not know what to say to a friend who has been diagnosed with breast cancer. While just being you and giving them your time can be greatly beneficial, there are some things that probably won’t help:

• Don’t tell them about the latest cure or treatment you’ve heard about.
• Don’t burden them with your fears or worries.
• Don’t share horror stories about other people with cancer.
• Don’t give up on them or stop ringing or visiting.
• Don’t tell them how they should be changing their lifestyle or diet. It may be hard enough for them to get out of bed in the morning.
• Don’t tell them to ‘be positive’. That may make it hard for them to talk to you about how she really feels.
• Avoiding them.
• Making assumptions about what they can and can’t do.
• Asking inappropriate questions like: ‘Were you a smoker?’ or, ‘Is it in your family?’.